Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pause - Updated with explanation

So what in the world was that about? I post these big bold caps letters and then don't explain anything.

That, my friends, is an example of how emotional I can be.

See, as you may know from a previous post, J and I have had an extremely long courtship...going on 6 years!!! While I've had breakdowns about getting married before, the past 5 months have been terrible for me. I just can't take it anymore. I'm literally at the breaking point and I sometimes can't control myself.

I get scared and worried that it just isn't going to happen. I lose faith in J and worry that I'll have to give up everything we have to find a man who'll marry me and make a good husband and father, even though J is the man I want to spend my life with. I'm not the type of girl who can settle for a forever courtship. My ship is about to set sail and I feel like I'm missing the boat (how's that for mixing metaphors!?).

So, I was going to give up any wedding planning/dreaming/thinking until he actually does the deed...down on one knee...ring in hand/box...

Then, we talked. Well, he talked and I babbled through sobs.

I need to try to have a little more patience. I need to give him the time that I promised I would give him. I owe that to him. Once that time is up, he owes me what he promised - a lifelong commitment, a happily ever after.

I've been viewing all this planning as a "maybe," or "if." I've been cautious about it, prefacing any plans with, "Assuming he proposes..." I think I need to start looking at it as "when." I need to have faith in J and our relationship.

This blog is more than just plans and ideas. It is now a testament to the faith and trust I now have in J, and will have in him as long as I live.


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