Engagement

The people who have access to this blog know the situation. J and I are planning our wedding because he has promised, after 5 years, to propose by the Spring. The truth is, I'm very nervous about it. Because it has been so long, there is a part of me that is convinced all of this planning is in vain - that he won't propose by Spring, or ever.

J claims money has been the reason he hasn't proposed. I don't believe him. I'm the kind of girl who would be happy with a cheap ring from Wal Mart. I think he's been scared. I don't know why. He's not a cheater. He doesn't go out and get drunk with his friends every weekend, but for some reason, he's been afraid. He won't admit that. He tells me it's the money. I still don't believe it.

I'm scared to death he won't propose by Spring. If he doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't want to put my life on hold forever waiting for him. I won't say I'll leave him, because I don't know what I'll do. I just know that I might have to make that choice. That choice makes me feel sick.

I also think Spring is such a vague timeline. Are we talking meteorological spring? If so, that's only a month away. Are we talking the vernal equinox spring? Are we talking when the birds start chirping and the buds start blooming? Why such a vague timeline? Why won't he even commit to a particular month? I think it's because he's trying to buy more time to put it off.

I try not to be impatient...I try really hard. I also fail. After more than five years together, I just don't understand what all the waiting is about.